Probably the worst thing to do before going to bed is watching a fucked up movie. At least for me it is. My imagination runs wild and I scare myself 10x more than any movie can.

Aside from that...the next three days are going to be hell. Spending pretty much the past 48 hours with ken has made doing work pretty difficult. Its as i feel spending as much time as I can with him is more important than grades. I know his graduation could be the last time I ever see him. Its hard to think about. Why do I do this to myself. I get so attached to a person that I don't know how to live without them. I know I'll have John and I'll probably create the same bond with him as well. It won't be the same but similar. I find myself studying every aspect of small moments. Trying to remember everything the way it was. In hoping this will somehow make the loss easier. That these small details will stay with me and make me feel better....or worse. Either way, I make it seem like it will be my only connection to him. He's such an amazing person. He doesnt realize it but he is.

I need to sleep

You know that feeling you get when you just want to write and hope it comes out brilliantly. That all these words will flow out of your fingers like poetry and make everything feel better. It never works that way for me. I start at that blank screen and my mind is empty. I'll never be a beautiful writer or really creative. I get lucky every once in a blue moon and make something half way decent.

I've thought a lot about my mom lately. Every time a sad song plays I cant help but think of her. I've blocked her for so long, so the pain would seem like it never happened. They said they don't understand how someone can block out horrible memories like that. I really wish I could. I wish I could forget those 3 years of my life like my sister has. Would I be more normal then? These quarks I have, would they still be there?

I really want to kill a bitch right about now. I can't handle this. The last 12 hours have been hell. Every little thing is bugging the shit out of me. Would it be so horrible if I killed my new roommate. The bitch invaded my room. This has been my room for 2 fucking years. She's weird. I don't like her. If I could scare her away...that would be amazing. I would be extremely excited. First of all, I walk into the room and its 100 degrees in here. The cunt took my blanket off the heater so its boiling. I could boil fucking water in here. Just set it out on the desk and it would start to boil. The slut barely speaks english. I CAN'T TAKE IT. I just can't. She needs to move out NOW!!! I can't sleep in the room when its this hot. I've had 3 hours of sleep. I just want my room back, my life back. THIS IS MINE MINE MINE. GO AWAY!!! Alright, thats enough bitching for now. A few cigarettes and a murder will make me feel much better.